Sunday, 30 September 2012

The 'Big Garden'

I was sitting by a puddle, with Pumpkin, last night and we were a bit bored.

As we were talking, she asked me about the 'big garden', and if I'd ever heard of it?
I had. It's not far from our territories, but no cat has ever been brave enough to go there.

However, we have heard rumours of strange creatures roaming this place; fluffly white things that look like clouds, and really tall animals with long faces and huge hairy tails.
How could this all be true though, if not cat had ever been there?

Pumpkin then started walking off, so I asked her where she was going? She said she was going to the 'big garden' as it couldn't possibly be that scary, and it was ridiculous that no cat had ever been.
I tried to stop her, but she wouldn't listen......Moth!......... sorry, she wouldn't listen so I told her I'd have to go with her, she couldn't go on her own. I told her to wait a minute though...

I decided I had to go and see daddy before I went, just in case something bad happened to me in the 'big garden'. I wanted to bring him a mouse, but couldn't find one. Instead, I miaowed to be let in, rubbed against his legs, then miaowed to be let back out again.

Daddy made a noise like; 'but you've only just come in, you mad cat!'

After that I walked, with Pumpkin, out of our territories, towards the end of our road, heading for the 'big garden'.
We arrived at the edge of it. It was surrounded by big prickly hedges and was very dark.
We dropped down into a big dip, and crouched down to slip under the hedge. Our little catty-noses and ears were twitching.

We came through the hedge and ..................yawwwwwwwwwwwn!...I'm so tired again. I keep needing naps. I think it's the cold....I'll have to tell you the rest later..... hope you can wait...

Friday, 28 September 2012


I don't know if humans believe in something similar, but myself and a lot of catty-friends believe that when we die that's not the end of things.

There is, so far as we know, a great scratching post in the sky. It is so big that every cat that goes there, after death, has their own part to scratch at and rub their head on.
It never wears out and it smells of all of the cats there, always.
In this place, you never get picked up and moved, mid-nap, by humans. However, a giant human-paw reaches down, regularly, to give belly-rubs to any cats nearby.
There are huge mountains made of catty-biscuits and rivers of beef, chicken, rabbit, duck, and tuna, in gravy.
The floor is all soft, wherever you go, so that anywhere is a good place to lie down. Some parts of this floor are heated, so you get an unexpected treat and can curl up.
Trees grow, endlessly upwards, and cats can float down from them, so you can climb as high as you like and not worry.
There is an endless supply of mice and birds. All you have to do is raise a paw, and more will arrive.

Somtimes we offer up quiet catty-words to this place, so that we may have a better time when we get there.
I often say;

Miaow Miaoww Miaow.
Miaow Miaow Miaowww Miaow.
Miaow Miaow Miaow
Miaowwww Miaow Miaoww.

I do love my catty-life here, but am happy with the thought of the catty-life beyond.

Thursday, 27 September 2012

White Stuff

Daddy was a bit poorly yesterday, so I was a good cat and curled up next to him to keep myself warm.
Occasionally I purred, or dribbled on him, to comfort him and, more importantly, to signal when I was hungry / needed attention.
See, I'm a caring cat.

Anyway, now that I've been outside today I've noticed that it's a lot colder than it has been, particularly on my little catty-nose and the tips of my ears.
I'm not too worried as I have plenty of places to hide outdoors, and snuggle up to Fluffles.

I am worried about one thing though; the white stuff.

The white stuff has arrived on both winters of my little catty-life so far. It falls from the sky then sticks to the trees and the ground. Sometimes lots of it sticks to the ground.

It's confusing stuff. It's very cold, particularly on my little paws, so I have to walk across it quite quickly.
Also, I can't tell -until I jump into it- how high up my body it will be. Sometimes it's up to my little catty-willy, ouch! I suppose it's the one time I'm thankful that I don't have balls any more.

It doesn't taste too bad, but I worry about what's underneath it. What if I put my paw into something disgusting, or if a nasty fox is hiding under it?

One major problem is that it makes pouncing difficult. I can see magpies and pigeons much more easily on the white stuff, but they can also see me, instantly, as I'm a black cat (it's good luck if I cross your path, as I'm so cute :) ).
I also leave a trail of paw prints in the white stuff, so birds (there's less squirrels and mice about when it's cold) know there's a cat in that territory :(

It is quite funny if you can hide under it, however -apart from the cold catty-willy- as you can play-pounce on friends. I did it to Pumpkin last year, and she jumped over two fences in fright. Lulu then did it to me, and I ran into a bush. This wasn't so funny.

I do wonder what this stuff is? I don't know if I'll ever find out.
I do actually hope that it falls again this year. The pouncing problems aren't that bad as daddy feeds me anyway, and the white stuff makes winter a little more interesting.

I'll have to wait and see....

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Taste Test

After asking Fluffles to bring me some of this 'Sheba' to try, I quite fancied trying other catty-foods too.
I asked Steve, Lulu, Pumpkin, Tinkerbell, and their friends to bring me their own food.
I asked them to make sure that the packets were bitten / slightly open, as I struggle to open my own (that's what daddy is for).
I want cats out there to have the best catty-food experience, so I have decided to type up my findings, having tasted everything brought to me.
I have used a catty-paw rating system, with 4 paws being the best, 1 paw being....erm, poor.
Humans, please note; the views here are my own, but I am not responsible for any catty-sick on your floor (from feeding food your cat doesn't like), nor am I responsible if a whole bowlful is wasted;

Sheba, Turkey in gravy- A good sized portion (the packet said 100g. I'm not sure what 'g' is but I know 100 is big), with decent Turkey content, although the Turkey was more of a paste than chunks. The gravy was tasty, but a bit too creamy for my liking, more of a catty-soup. It had a long poultry finish, and still tasted good when retrieved from my whiskers.

Purina Gourmet (Perle), Lamb in gravy- I'm completely biased on this as it's my favouritest catty-food, yum! catty-sized chunks of tender lamb, enveloped in a silky brown gravy ,with just the right runnyness (I think I have seen daddy with similar gravy on his food). It has a complex meaty finish and is the perfect accompaniment to chicken biscuits.


Whiskas, Duck in gravy with green peas- I've had something out of a Whiskas pack before and it was okay, but I still prefer my Purina. I was pleasantly surprised by this catty-food at first. It had a pleasant ducky aroma and the gravy wasn't too thick. Upon the first lick I wasn't as impressed. There is a healthy amount of duck for my little catty-tum, but it was a little tough. The gravy was rich, but... it contained peas. When have cats ever gone out and hunted down peas? Grass, maybe (if I need to do a catty-sick), but peas? Very strange.
A heavy dish that stuck nicely to the inside of my cheeks, though.

Felix, Tuna in jelly- Aaaah, this brings back catty-memories! I had Felix as a kitten, for a bit. I'm more of a gravy cat, than a jelly one, so I had to take that into consideration.
Underneath the jelly, the tuna was delicate and fragrant, and not too mushy.
Even the jelly wasn't too bad, not too wibbly and it retained some of the tuna flavour.

Tesco 'Claude' chunks in gravy, with beef- Bleurgh! Who passed this as fit for catty-consumption? I wouldn't even give this to a dog. I've brought up better tasting furballs.
I think the giveaway should've been that the packet said 'chunks in gravy with beef'
rather than 'chunks of beef in gravy'.
The odd-smelling bits of meat were condemned to a watery-gravy grave and had an aftertaste of hedgehog's bums.

I managed two chunks of beef, then had to drink a whole bowl of water and lie down for a bit.

Iams, Chicken in gravy- mmmm *lick of the cheeks*, not bad. Not bad at all! Light chunks of well-seasoned chicken in a velvety, golden gravy. It actually felt like it was doing me good as it went down too! The gravy had a soft, almost fruity, nose, and the chicken was most tender. I must admit that I 'cleaned' my paws straight after eating this, so that they would taste of chicken when I went to clean them again later.

Oooh, I'm quite full up now and need to do catty-burps, and nap.
Let me know if you agree with my findings or not, and if there are any other foods I should try.

*Please note, the picture below is a dramatic re-enactment.

Monday, 24 September 2012

An evening date

Sorry, cats and humans, I napped all day yesterday so didn't type anything on here.

Does anyone else find that they suddenly need to nap more at this time of year?

After my long nap I needed to stretch my little catty-legs, so I went outside, and who should be there? Fluffles!

I was very happy. We both purred and rubbed noses, then she rubbed her head on my side.
I was going to do the same back, but a spider ran in front of me so I had to swat it.
I gave the spider to Fluffles, to eat, but she said she'd just had her 'Sheba' so wasn't hungry.

I didn't know what Sheba was so I asked Fluffles. She said it's a catty-food.
I didn't remember seeing that when I went on my adventure to 'Sainsbury's', so I have asked Fluffles to bring me some. She purred and said she would.

Anyway, we walked to the end of my territory, side by side, with the tips of our tails touching.
I have seen humans hold each others paws. I think this is the same as touching tails.
Us cats can't hold each others paw as we wouldn't be able to walk properly.

We stopped by my favourite puddle to get a drink, then we jumped onto the roof of the little, wooden room at the end of Fluffles' territory.
We sat and watched the moon together, and swatted the occasional passing moth.
When Fluffles got a bit tired, as she was not longer in hunt-mode, I walked her back home so she could go in for a nap.

We rubbed noses again, then I went back and woke up daddy for some attention.

Saturday, 22 September 2012

When I was a kitten...

I'll have to type this quietly as I'm just crouched under some bushes, watching a Magpie.
It keeps coming nearer then hopping away again. It even got close enough for me to start doing pre-pounce bum-wiggles. Very annoying.

Anyway, I suddenly had a memory from when I was a kitten, this morning.
It's a bit of a mystery, so I don't know if any catty-friends or humans can help me out with it.

I was in a room, and in the corner was -weirdly- a tree, the type of tree you would normally see outside. I wondered why daddy had put a tree indoors.
Even weirder than that, though, was that it had small, bright lights all around it. It also had, what looked like, millions of catty-toys dangling from it's branches.

Daddy went out and I got a bit bored (it was too cold to be out all the time), so started to play with supposed catty-toys on the lower branches. They kept falling off, so I played with a new one each time this happened.
Then I was sure I saw a Squirrel in the tree so I did a big bum-wiggle and pounced on the tree.
It did something no tree has ever done to me, outside, it fell over. The catty-toys went everywhere. I was so confused that I ran, and hid under a the sofa.

When daddy came in, he seemed very angry and was talking very loudly at me. I didn't understand; Why did daddy have a tree indoors? Why did it have catty-toys and lights all over it? Why did it fall over? Why was daddy angry?

I decided that the best thing to do was to purr and rub myself against daddy's legs.
He said me name 'oh Bruce!' then gave me a chin-tickle, so I think he stopped being angry.

I'm still confused by this catty-memory though, can anyone help by explaining it a bit?


Friday, 21 September 2012


So, after an all day nap yesterday, I started to remember what Steve and I had been up to on Wednesday night.

We met by my back fence as it started to get dark -catty o'clock- and had a daddy-long legs 'swat-off'. I got 14 and he got 11, so I won. Happy catty-days!

Steve then said we should have a race up two Pine trees in his territory. I don't know why he said this as he's rubbish at climbing trees.
I got up to the 7th branch on mine, and he only got up to the 6th... then couldn't get down.
It was really funny, as he started calling for his mummy, miaowing away.

I told him not to be silly as, both humans and cats know, we always land on our feet.
In the end he half-ran half-jumped down the tree and -sort of- landed okay.

After this we had a catty-staring competition, but Steve forgot we were having a game and pounced on me, so I swatted his head.

At this point we started to get bored. That's when Steve said he had an idea. Every now and then his mummy gives him a bit of Catnip, as a treat. However, Steve knew where she kept the whole, big box of it.
In catty-stealth mode, he sneaked inside and came back out with it. We then ran away to sit under the trees, where we couldn't be seen.
Steve went catty-crazy and started biting chunks out of the box, to get at the Catnip inside. He then ripped through a plastic thing, and Catnip poured out everywhere.
The smell hit us straight away; catty-drugs!!

We both fell into the pile and started rolling around like mad.
Steve thought his Paws were Mice and started biting them!
I suddenly got the feeling that I could lick my ears, and kept trying to reach them with my tongue! It was quite funny now I think of it.

Steve then started talking absolute catty-nonsense! He said that 'miaow miaow miaowwww miaow miaoww miaow' (??)

After that it all got a bit hazy.... I know that I had lots of those little green balls stuck in my fur, from pouncing on a plant that I thought was a Rabbit.
Steve woke up with a grey head, but this was from some weird dust in a 'bukit'. He'd ran into a small wooden room, at the end of a garden, and come out with the 'bukit' on his head, saying that he was a 'catty-emperor'.

I remember the spider-eating incident, mentioned yesterday.
I also remember licking the coating off a fence as it 'reminded me of being a kitten'...although I'm not sure how it did this...

Anyway. I slept all day yesterday, so have recovered a bit, and today I am just doing a bit of light prowling. Hopefully I'll feel back to normal by tomorrow!

Thursday, 20 September 2012

Ow, my poor catty-head

Oh dear.

I was on the Catnip last night ,with Steve.

At the moment all I remember is him trying to make me catty-laugh, by seeing how many spiders he could fit into his mouth at once.

I've had to nap all day. When I remember more I will tell you.

Oooooh.... *Catty head-shake*

Wednesday, 19 September 2012


I was having a philosophical moment, while licking my bum this morning, and wondered how and why humans do certain things?

For example, I've never seen daddy pounce on anything, but I have seen him eat things that smell meaty. How does he get his meaty treats?
Why does he eat his food on a high platform, rather than on the floor?
Why does he eat with long, pointy metal things? Surely it's easier to lick chunks of food straight from his bowl.

How do humans judge the width of things without whiskers? Daddy has whiskers, but they all seem to be stuck down, on his face, rather than pointing outwards.
How does he get through doorways, or holes in fences, like this?

How can humans go so long between washing themselves? I know that daddy washes in the morning, and sometimes in the evening, but he doesn't wash in between that. Eugh!
I wash at least once per hour.
Also, why do humans stand under things that spray water? They all have perfectly good tongues to wash themselves with.

I've never seen daddy run up a tree or along the top of a fence? Why not? It's so much fun!
I can't imagine how you can possibly have a fun life if you don't do this.

Do humans bury their poo? I hope so, as it's so embarrasing to have other cats see your poo, but I've never seen a human bury theirs. Where do they put them?

I've never seen a human rub their head against things in their territory. How can they possibly expect to own anything? Surely another human could just claim ownership of the doors, tables, chairs.

I've never seen a human roll around for a belly-rub. A world without belly-rubs is unthinkable! Humans must have belly-rubs at some point, but when?

Why don't humans have claws? I've seen lady-humans with  long-ish claws, but they look rubbish for attacking / grabbing things with... and they're all funny, bright colours.

Why don't humans have tails either? I don't know how daddy balances properly without one. Maybe that's why he's always falling over? Also, how can you show excitement or uncertainty without a tail-swish?

Oh, and why do humans walk on only two paws? This looks very uncomfortable. Are their pads not very good, on their upper-paws?

I hope that a catty-friend or a human, reading this, can answer my questions, as I'm very confused...

Tuesday, 18 September 2012


Good news!

Fluffles ('Catty-Courting', 10th September) turned up in my territory today, purring.

She received my catty-gift, and had also heard about my bravery shown in finding 'Sainsbury's'.

She did a little catty-trot towards me, but had to wait a bit as my hind leg was stuck in mid-air, while I cleaned the underside of it.

Anyway, she miaowed her admiration for me, and we sniffed each other. Then we rubbed catty-noses, so she's now my catty-ladyfriend.

We lay in the shade for a bit, then we chased leaves in the shadows.
After this we had fun climbing trees. I impressed her by getting to the sixth branch up, of a fir tree (normally daddy would have to get me down from here, but I was feeling bold around Fluffles)

For lunch, we shared a Sparrow, which I caught, naturally. After that I took her to my favourite puddle, for a quick drink.

We lay in the last of the sun, in her territory, until I heard my catty-biscuits being rattled, and daddy calling my name.

We said we would see each other again soon, but Fluffles wouldn't say when exactly.
I'm counting down the catty-hours...

Monday, 17 September 2012

A Few Catty-Pointers

yawwwwwwwwwwwwn. Streeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch. I've had a nice nap-filled day. How about you?

I've been around lots of humans today and, as I look cute when sleepy, have had lots of attention. I like attention.
However, I would like to give a few catty-pointers, as some humans are better at belly-rubs and chin tickles than others;

Catty-noses; Some of us like these to be rubbed, some of us don't. It is personal catty-preference. If we don't like it, you may get a quick bite, but we are only doing this as a friendly catty-warning, so you know not to do it again.
Personally I like having my nose rubbed, and may respond with a gentle nose-nudge or a lick.

Please note: a gentle rub is just that. I really don't like it if you prod me in the nose any more than you would if I prodded yours.

Whiskers; Please leave these alone. I like them to be perfectly straight, so that they look good and so that I can judge the width of things.

Catty-ears: mmmmmm, yes please!I like having my ears stroked, and I particularly like having the bit behind them scratched. A gentle stroke will do, they're only delicate little things, and quite sensitive.
Don't poke your finger in my ear. That's irritating. And don't keep touching the tips of my ears, as this makes me flick them repeatedly.

Catty-head: Lovvvvvvvvvely! You may stroke my head with your palm or the back of your hands, as long as you do it gently. Always go with the direction of the fur, rather than against it. Do not aggressively rub my head, as you will confuse me and I will have to do catty head-shakes.
You will know if you are doing it right as I will blink my eyes slowly at you, and purr. I may also dribble on you, to show my appreciation. This is my gift to you.

Chin-tickles: my joint-favourite! This is the only time at which I am your humble servant.
Where my chin starts, and along my little catty-throat, please tickle with the tips of the fingers. You may also stroke, lightly. If you this right I will be in catty-heaven, and may do you the honour of closing my eyes.

Belly-rub; This is my joint-favourite, alongside the chin-tickle. You should be honoured if I let you do this, as this position would normally leave me open to attack from nasty animals.
At a time of my choosing, perhaps during a chin-tickle, I will roll over and signal that I wish to have my belly rubbed. This will be accompanied by a drawing in of the front paws, to leave maximum belly exposed.
strokes with the flat of the palm, and a two-handed tickle, are acceptable. I may well purr very loudly.
Sometimes I may get carried away, and give you a little catty-bite. This is meant in a nice way. If I claw you it is because you are rubbish at giving catty belly-rubs.

Back, and side, stroking; My preference is long smooth strokes, from my catty-neck to my hind legs, using the flat of the palm(s) again. I will purr loudly if you do this and, if I am not already asleep, close my eyes with joy.
If I am already lying on you, I may sink my claws into your leg to show love.
Some cats hate it, but I loved being brushed too.

Other notes....

I don't mind having my front paws stroked, but I'm not a fan of having my back legs touched.
I will pull them in, as a warning. If you insist on touching them, I may claw you.

Licking; I cannot stroke you back so, at times, I may return your affection by licking you. I also do this as you are dirty and/or taste of cat food, and because I want you to smell of cat a bit more. Please accept this gift, and do not leave until I have finished licking you.

One more thing; I reserve the right, at any time, to get up and walk off while you are showing me affection. I may have spotted a mouse, I may need a wee, I may just be bored.
Please accept this.

Happy attention-giving,


Sunday, 16 September 2012

A Catty Pilgrimage- Part 2

Wow I must have been tired! That was a big catty-nap! Needed a biiiig stretch after that.

So, where was I up to with our journey to Sainsbury's, yesterday?

Oh yes... so, all of our catty-senses were on high alert once we got into this 'Sainsbury's', and the ceiling was twenty million catty-leaps away.
The lights were very bright too, much brighter than in our homes. We had to do a lot of catty-blinks to get used to them.
The floor was weird too. All shiny. This would not be a good floor to chase things on.

Threre weren't too many humans about,  but Lulu isn't a big fan of unknown humans (she doesn't mind an initial nose-nudge of the hands, but won't allow a belly rub for several catty-hours) so that wasn't a bad thing.

Humans didn't matter too much now though, as we were looking for catty-food. We got a shock, however, as we thought that the whole place would just be full of it. It wasn't. There were lots of tall things, with three layers, and all sorts of things on them that weren't catty food.

The first alleyway we went down had something over it which said 'homeware and cleaning'.
I went over and sniffed something that said 'Glade Plug-in' on it. It made me do a big catty-tchoo, which made Steve and Lulu jump.

We tried the next alleyway, which was full of shiny glass jars. They were all different colours. Some had yellow stuff in, some had green stuff, some had red stuff. Steve pawed a jar that said 'Pickled Beetroot'. It fell down, turned into lots of tiny pieces, and made a tinkling sound. Purple stuff spilled everywhere. Steve sniffed it. It made his eyes screw shut and his whiskers twitch. Then we all ran away from the injured jar.
Suddenly I smelt something lovely. It was fish-like. It was fish! There was this huge thing full of different fishes, including Tuna! When we looked at it, it was all covered in a layer of this shiny stuff. which seemed weird. Also, this huge thing was very cold. It was like it contained winter. Very strange.
I wanted to try a bit of this Tuna, so I put my front paws on the huge cold thing, leant in, and bit through the shiny stuff. Lulu and Steve thought they heard a human coming though, so we all ran off again.

We were mid-run, when Steve stopped as he'd seen a picture of a cat on something. We ran back to where he'd seen it; an alleyway with the words 'pet food' over it... and found catty-heaven!
There were boxes, packets, bags of catty-food. This alleyway looked and smelled amazing!
There was duck, salmon, heart, beef, kidney, chicken, tuna, lamb flavour, and more. You smell it, they had it. There were yellow packets, purple packets, orange packets, all kinds.
Our little catty eyes, and heads, were going round and round looking at it all.
So this is where our mummies and daddies get our catty-food!
We all spotted our own food, from the words on the packets. I did have a laugh at one of the packets, as they couldn't spell 'whiskers' properly. Silly!
Then we all decided to try each other's food, to see if we liked it better than our own, by biting into the packets on the shelves. We all decided that we'd like to stick with our own foods. I think Lulu's has too many vegetables in it. Why would a cat want vegetables?

We sat in the catty-food alleyway for ages, just staring at all of it. Then we heard a human coming so decided to leave, but not before we'd all grabbed a packet of our favourite food in our catty-mouths.

On the way out, we saw an alleyway that said 'fresh produce'. Something bright red caught Lulu's eye, so she sniffed and bit it. It made her do lots of catty-coughs and shakes of the head. Then her eyes and nose started dripping. The packet said 'chillis'.
We didn't know what it was, but we knew not to try it now.

Lulu recovered and we carried on out of the magical 'Sainsbury's'. The journey home was uneventful, apart from stopping to eat the treats we'd taken.
We were quite tired, but really happy. It was a great adventure and we found out where our catty-food comes from.

When we got back home, we all gave each other a lick goodbye, then went inside for a well-deserved nap.

Despite that, and my super-nap yesterday, I'm still tired. Think I'll stay curled up on daddy's bed today.

(Steve reaching for his food...)


Saturday, 15 September 2012

A Catty Pilgrimage

After taking inspiration from my favourite catty-poem (shown yesterday), and offering up little catty-prayers to the Holy Tabby in the sky, I decided that I would go to this 'Sainsbury's'. I have to know where my catty-food comes from! (see previous posts)

Steve immediately agreed to come with me, as he is in the cat-house with his mummy at the moment, for scratching something called a sofa.
He was a bit upset as he only did it because his usual scratching tree is now too clawed. He just needed somewhere else to sharpen his 'catty-hooks', as he calls them (he's a good catty-friend, but a bit of an idiot).

Lulu reluctantly agreed to come with us as she thinks we lack 'road-sense', and would just be worried if she stayed behind.

We waited until our mummies and daddies had gone to bed (we all curled up on their beds first, and pretended to be asleep), then ran outside. Lulu and Steve have catty-doors. I don't, but daddy kindly leaves a window open for me, so actually I have a very big catty-door.
We met at the front of Lulu's house.
For some reason, Steve had brought a shoelace with 'in case we got bored'.
Lulu hissed at him 'it's the middle of the night! There'll be more mice, rabbits, and frogs out than you can shake a bag of catty-biscuits at! Why would we need a shoelace?'
Steve couldn't really answer that, so dropped the shoelace.
Lulu realised he was upset so gave him a supportive catty nose-nudge.

Steve had seen his daddy turn his 'vroom' right, when he'd said he was going out for catty-food, so we set off in that direction.

By the end of our road, we'd all gone as far as we ever had previously.
Steve heard an Owl and tried to run up a tree, until Lulu bit his tail, and he jumped back down.
We kept prowling, on the roadside, stopping every now and then to clean our paws, or listen to a rustle in some bushes (we'd all filled up on catty-food before we left, but a natural treat wouldn't go amiss).
Once or twice some big scary vrooms came towards us, with huge shining eyes. I don't like them, so I put my little catty-ears flat against my head.
We did see a mouse, and we all went for it. Steve and I ran into each other. Lulu just clipped it. Then I chased it into a bush. I got a thorn in my paw, but Lulu managed to lick it out for me. I had a slight catty-limp afterwards though.
We also saw a Fox, which was a bit scary. We're quicker than they are, but they have much bigger teeth :( We all puffed up our tails, thinking that -with three of us- we'd just look like one big Lion. The Fox stopped and stared at us for a bit, then ran off into the trees.

It felt like we'd been walking for catty-days when, suddenly, we saw an orange glow from round the bend of the road.
Steve was worried that we'd actually been killed by that Fox, and didn't realise it, and we were heading towards catty-heaven.
He thought this right up until we rounded the bend and saw the magical sign, lit up 'Sainsbury's.
"This is it! This is where our mummies and daddies get our food!" said Lulu, who hadn't wanted to come with us originally!

Bizarrely, this 'Sainsbury's' didn't have massive catty-statues outside like I thought it did. I thought it was dedicated to cats, but it turns out I was wrong.
There was a big sign outside it that said 'open 24 hours', and the doors kept sliding open, then closed again. Very strange.
There was a very tall man, in dark clothes, holding something that shone. He also wore a hat that had the word 'security' written on it.
We didn't know who he was, but he didn't look like a friendly human, so we crouched low and ran into 'Sainsbury's' behind him.

Our catty-senses were on hyper-alert. Lulu's whiskers were quivering like she'd been on Catnip. Steve's little nose was twitching like mad. My eyes couldn't stay focused on one thing. All of our tails were swishing side to side.
This place was huge! The biggest catty-leap in the world wouldn't have got us anywhere near the ceiling and ........................yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn!.....

....'scuse me .... sorry.... so tired from our adventure..... I'm going to have to have a quick catty-nap and continue this later.... sorry, don't mean to let other catty-friends and humans down...... just so tired.... will finish this later, once I've ..................

Friday, 14 September 2012

My favourite Catty-poem

I'm still considering whether or not to go on this adventure, to the place called 'Sainsbury's' (see previous catty-blogpost). I worry about what Lulu said. I don't want curiousity to kill me :( ... but I do still want to know where my food comes from.

In times like this I turn to my favourite catty-poem, to inspire me;

Miaow Miaow,
Miaoww, Miaoww, Miaow,
Miaow Miaow,

Miaowww, Miaowww, Miaoww.

Miaowwwww, Miaow,
Miaow Miaow Miaow
Miaoww, Miaoww,
Miaowww, Miaow.

Miaow, Miaoww, Miaoww,
Miaowwwww, Miaow,
Miaow, Miaow, Miaow,
Miaowwww, Miaoww, Miaow.

Beautiful. It's not that long, but it's so powerful.

It was translated from French. Here is the original:

Mioux Mioux,
Miouxx, Miouxx, Mioux,
Mioux Mioux,

Miouxxx, Miouxxx, Miouxx.

Miouxxxxx, Mioux,
Mioux Mioux Mioux
Miouxx, Miouxx 
Miouxxx, Mioux.

Mioux, Miouxx, Miouxx,
Miouxxxxx, Mioux,
Mioux, Mioux, Mioux
Miouxxxx, Miouxx, Mioux.

I think the picture, below, sums it up beautifully:

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Planning an adventure

I came in for breakfast a little later than usual this morning, as I was perfecting the art of prowling in the shade, so I was very hungry.

When I came in, I looked for daddy and called 'Foooooooood! Foooooood! Food pleeeeease!'

Daddy was on his computer, typing, so he wasn't very quick in responding to my hunger. I decided that the best thing to do would be to jump up, lay down where he was typing, and nose-nudge his paws.
He said 'Bruce!' really loudly, which made my ears twitch.
I thought that if I was cute, I'd get fed a bit quicker so I rolled over for a tummy rub and purred a bit.
This just made daddy shake his head from side to side.
When I looked up, I'd typed a word on the screen, with my back, which was 'qfshcolcdbsh'.
Daddy sighed, then got up and went towards my food bowl. This made me happy, so I rolled back over onto my front, jumped off the computer, and rubbed against daddy's legs while he put my food out.

While I was eating, I looked over at my packets of yummy catty-food and though 'I wonder where they come from?'
I've never seen daddy cooking duck and heart, in gravy, and putting it in a packet.
I wanted an answer so I went to daddy and let out a long questioning miaowwwwwwww.
He looked a bit confused then stroked my head.
This wasn't what I was looking for so I stretched, and walked off.

I hopped over the fence to see Steve, and ask him where he thinks catty-food comes from.
He said he's seen a long white piece of paper before, with lots of words on, like 'eggs' and 'milk'. Also on this paper, was the name of the catty-food he eats. At the top of the paper was the word 'Sainsbury's', so this is the territory that Steve thinks our food comes from.

I asked Lulu about this, while she was cleaning her tail, and she said she'd heard of this 'Sainsbury's', but it's 'many many gardens away'.
I told her I wanted to find it, but she said it would be a long and dangerous journey.
I asked her, was she not curious to see where catty-food comes from? She said she was worried that curiousity might get us killed.

I don't want to be killed. That would be sad :( ....but I'm still curious.

I wanted to talk to Lulu a bit more about going to this 'Sainsbury's', but she went back to cleaning her tail.

I'm going away to think about it on my own. I really want to see this 'Sainbury's'. I bet it's completely dedicated to cats.

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Lost... but in good way

After yesterday's daddy-long-legs hunt, I got carried away in my quest to find some more and wandered outside of my territory.

This was a bit silly, as there's lots of bite-crime in some areas.

Anyway, I found myself in this garden and, when I went to the end of it, there was a big room. I've seen humans put those scary things, that go 'vrooooom', in one of these rooms.

I didn't see any vroooooms, but there were lots of interesting things. I was both excited and unsure at first so I flicked my tail from side to side for a bit, then miaowed to no-one in particular.

In one corner was a 'bukit' (that's what I've heard daddy say) with a weird chewy cloth and a yellow spongy thing in it. I tried a bite of the yellow spongy thing too, but it tasted horrible so I spat it out.

Next I sniffed a big picture of some humans standing together. It looked like a catty-family, only human. It was covered in some grey stuff, which got up my nose and made me catty-choo.

In another corner was a long metal stick. It had a long wiry thing coming out of the top, with a small yellow ball dangling from it. This looked like a big catty-toy, so I gave it a few paw-swats. Then I miaowed at it.

On one side of this room I also found a big metal thing on legs. it smelt like burnt meat, so I licked it.
When I realised it didn't taste that good I went over to the other side of the room. There was a long, flat, wooden thing coming out of the wall. It had lots of objects on it.
One of these objects was a pot that had the word 'Dulux' written on it. It had blue drips down one side, but they were dry. This made me curious. I wanted to know what was in the pot.
I saw that the bit on top of the pot was loose, so I leaned closer to look at it. I think I've had one too many catty-biscuits recently though, as the whole wooden flat thing tilted towards me. This made the pot fall off. It hit the floor and made a 'splot' noise, then blue stuff leaked everywhere. Maybe it's a creature and it felt poorly, so did a sort of blue catty-vom?

I was scared so I ran off.

When I got in daddy looked confused and made a sound like 'why have you got dust all over you'? I didn't understand so I just blinked at him.

Below is a picture of a room, like the one I explored.

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Still no word from Fluffles, on the gifts I left her  . ///
                                                                            .     (   (sad catty-whisker face).

I think, maybe, I should have had a wee in her garden so that she definitely knew they were from me. I'll give it a few more days.

Despite that, I'm still excited as it's 'daddy-long-legs' season... or at least, that's what I've heard daddy call it.
These whirring, flying things, with really skinny bodies, suddenly appear.
I get a bit confused by their name as they don't look anything like daddy, and their legs are much shorter than his.

Anyway, they're much more fun than moths, and there's millions of them!

Their legs stick out when they fly, unlike moths, so even if I don't get them at first swipe, I still get a leg or two.

One of my favouritest things is to run through long grass, at night, watch them all fly up, and see how many I can swat in one go!

The fun doesn't end there, as they come inside as well. They're really dozy, which is good.

Last year there was one on the wall, above daddy's bed. I wanted to get it for fun, and to protect daddy. I jumped for it, but only got one leg, and landed on daddy's head.
He made a sound like 'for fuck's sake Bruce. I've got work in the morning'.

I didn't really understand, so I kept chasing the daddy-long-legs round the room to get it's other legs.
Daddy left his bed, picked me up, and put me outside. I was very confused. Then I forgot I was confused and chased some more daddy-long-legs.

I hope this 'season' is just as fun.

Happy leg-chewing everyone!


Monday, 10 September 2012


When we were doing our Cattylympics (see blog post below this), Pumpkin told me she saw another lady-cat that was watching, and who seemed very impressed with me.

This made my white bib puff out a little bit.

Apparently this lady-cat is a Tortoiseshell, which is perferct. As they say 'Gentle-cats prefer Tortoiseshells'.
Better still, this lady-cat likes Siamese boy-cats. I'm part-Siamese, on my dad's (my real dad) side, so this also works out well.

I found out that this lady-cat is called 'Fluffles', which is a bit silly, but if she's pretty I'll get over it.
She lives four gardens down from me.

Feeling brave, after my cattylympic success, I decided to leave her a present.
Because I trust Pumpkin's judgement, we went out together to look for the best mouse possible, for Fluffles.

After hours of browsing (Pumpkin saw a good mouse in the first garden, then made me look at all the others, before going back to the first one), I got what I wanted; a plump Field Mouse.
I was very careful to make sure I kept it's head on, so that it was well presented.

Pumpkin gave me a supportive lick, then I took the mouse, along with some grass and Daisies, to Fluffles' garden.
I rubbed my head all over the mouse, so she knows who it's from, then left it for her.

I did get a bit annoyed on the way back, as I forgot that I don't have balls any more, but Pumpkin told me Fluffles doesn't mind this, from what she's heard.

I hope to hear from her soon...

Sunday, 9 September 2012

Fun and Games

So, having all seen the same thing (lots of humans leaping, moving quickly, throwing things), on those screens that humans watch, my catty-friends and I decided to make up our own games.

There were just the five of us; me, Steve, Lulu, Tinkerbell, and Pumpkin (some cat-mums and cat-dads give their cats such weird names. Pumpkin said she read about humans that have called their own human-kittens 'Apple' and 'Harper Seven', but I don't believe her).

Lulu has heard that these human-games, we've seen on the screens, are called 'Olympics'  and 'Paralympics'.
Sounds odd, but we decided to call our games 'Cattylympics'.

We came up with our ideas, for Cattylympics, in the shade at the back of Steve's territory, under the trees. We did this as our mummies and daddies think we're having a catty-fight if they see us all together, and they run out making a noise 'shooo, shooo'.

We came up with five types of game;

*Racing across the back gardens, leaping the barriers in between them; we called this 'Fencing'

*Running up to a big flower bed, in Pumpkin's garden, and seeing how far into it we could land; we called this 'The Long-Pounce'

*A straight sprint to the big tree at the end of Tinkerbell's garden. We measured the distance in Cat-Lengths (CL), so called it 'The 20CL Run'

*Spinning in a circle then, on the turn, swatting a mouse as far as possible; We called this 'Swatcus'

*Holding a big, bendy twig between our teeth, putting one end in the ground then trying to spring up over a low branch; 'Tree-vault'.

It was really good fun, and we gave prizes. If you were the best cat in a particular game, you won five duck and liver biscuits. If you were second best, you won tuna and vegetable biscuits. If you were third best you won dog biscuits.
Those that got prizes, for each game, all lined up next to each other too.The cat that was best had the catty-anthem sung to them;

Miaow, Miaow, Miaoww, Miaowwww, Miaowwww, Miaow.
Miaow Miaow, Miaowww, Miaowwww, Miaow, Miaow. Miaow, Miaow, Miaow, Miaow.

Miaow, Miaow, Miiiii-iiii-aowww.
Miaow, Miiaow, Miiii-iiii-aowww.

Miaow, Miaow, Miaow, Miaow, Miaow , Miaowwwwwww, Miaow, Miaow, Miaow.
Miii-aow, Miaow, Miaow.

When Steve won a game, it was really embarassing as he didn't know all of the words to the catty-anthem. He should know them really.

I got duck and liver for two games, and tuna and vegetable for one, so I was very pleased.

We have agreed to do the same thing again next year.

I'm very tired now, so I'm going to take a nap, after washing my paws.

Here is a picture of Lulu and Steve Fencing (I am too far ahead to be seen)...

Saturday, 8 September 2012


...made it!

I got bored with being on the ground, and spotted a good place to sit, so I ran up this big wooden thing next door (It has lots of plants climbing up the side. Not sure why it's there. Humans can be strange).
The problem was, I realised I couldn't get down. I called to daddy, lots and lots, and eventually he came over. The big wooden thing is right next to my garden, so daddy could reach me.
He put out his hands to help me down, but I decided I didn't want help, so I gave him a little paw swipe.
He made a sound like 'fine, suit yourself' and went back inside.

I decided I did want help again, so called out lots more.
In the end, after what seemed likes millions of catty-hours, I decided to make a leap for it. I made it, but I did land on a slug. It wasn't very happy.

Anyway, the reason I'm glad I'm inside now is because I wanted to ask a question. My catty-friends and I have all noticed that the same thing has been on the screens that humans watch, for ages; lots of other humans moving very quickly, leaping, throwing things. We also saw one where a human did a strange type of pounce into a big box of sand. Is this a large litter tray?

Can any humans or cats please tell me what it is that is happening on the screens?
I'd quite like to try some of the things I've seen.

Here is a picture of my view from the top of next door's wooden thing...

Friday, 7 September 2012

Brucey's Top Tips

After my recent pouncing practice I have returned to form, so I thought I'd share my top tips with you for perfect pouncing;

1. Generally, I would say that you already need to be hidden behind something; a plant pot, a tree, a raised flower bed.

2. Select a target. NEVER choose something that looks like it is more than half your body weight. Mice, squirrels, frogs, birds are perfect (although Pigeons seem to be getting fatter these days). If you are human I would say, don't pounce on anything bigger than a large dog.
Please don't pounce on your catty-friends as you will squash them :(

3. Once you have selected your target, make sure you are as low to the ground as possible, while still being able to see that target.
Make sure that your tail is not visible; this is a kitten-like mistake.

4. Wait until your target is in range.

5. Swish your tail from side to side (out of view) and wiggle your bottom a little bit, in readiness to pounce.

6. Sprint as fast as you can, surprising your target, and leap on it, landing with your two front paws. Humans, you will have to use your hands.

7. You may choose to keep your target under your paws for a bit, while you look around you and lazily lick your cheeks. This sends out a confident message 'yes. I do this all the time.'

8. You can choose whether to have your target as a mid-morning snack or take it back to mummy or daddy as a present. If you are human, be warned, your mummies and daddies can react strangely to being brought home presents.

*If you are not on form, and miss your target when you go to pounce, I suggest the following; Keep chasing for a bit, as no-one likes a quitter. If this fails, stop, and have a good look around you to see if anyone saw that happen. Regardless of whether they did or not, make out that you are not bothered, by cleaning your tail.

Happy pouncing!

Below is the perfect present if your mummy or daddy's birthday is coming up.

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Pouncing Practice

Daddy was being lazy yesterday so I had nose him several times to get him up for my breakfast.

I was hungry, and in a rush to get outside, so I tried to eat it as daddy was getting it ready. I thought I was helping him, but then he put it high up, so I had to wait until it was all in the bowl.

After a quick wash, I ran out.

After time spent inside, with my poorly leg, I've been a bit off the pace with my pouncing. I missed a mouse, the day before yesterday, that I could normally have caught with my eyes closed. Because of this I decided to have some pouncing practice.
I pounced on leaves, twigs, woodlice, shadows, stones, flowers, and bees. It was fun, but daddy looked very confused when he saw me doing this.

After a quick mouse hunt I spotted some mud that looked strange. I pawed at it and millions of ants ran out. I thought 'ants! ants! ants! ants!'. I swatted some and they stuck to my paw. They tickled, so I tried to get them off by flicking that paw. In the end I just ate them.

I saw daddy later on and rolled over, so I could get a belly rub. He moved a stick in front of me quickly, which reminded me of mice tails, so I bit it.

Oh, and I have some news. I've made a catty-lady-friend. I think she's a bit older than me, but I like that. She's quite fluffy, but glamorous with it. See what you think....

Wednesday, 5 September 2012


So, after my late night visit to the catty-doctors I had a tricky couple of days.

The morning after I came home, I woke up feeling like I'd been on the Catnip all night. I think it's all the catty-drugs the catty-doctor gave me.

Feeling a little weird I decided to get up, then go and dribble on daddy for a bit.
After a while I realised I was very hungry, so I called out 'foood! fooood!' and rubbed myself on daddy's legs. This always seems to work.
It was hard getting to my food bowl though, as I still couldn't see properly with that weird thing round my head. It also made it hard to eat. In the end I decided to just stick my whole face into my food and lick my cheeks afterwards.

Not long after eating I needed the toilet so I went to the door-to-outside, sat down, and called daddy to let me out. When he came over, though, he just looked at me and didn't open the door, so I miaowed 'daddy, please can I go outside? Pleeeease let me out, I need a poo'. ...but he still didn't let me out.
I didn't understand, and had to go to poo in a box of small stones in the room, where daddy washes and goes to the toilet as well. I don't like doing this as it's much harder to bury my poo afterwards. Daddy still takes it and puts it in a bag. I wish he didn't do this. I don't like him seeing it.

I still wanted to go outside, as it was sunny, which means there'll be more mice about, but daddy wouldn't let me. I sat by the door-to-outside and miaowed 'daddy, pleeease, pleeease let me go outside. It's sunny and I want to chase mice'.
He didn't open the door. He made a sound like 'it's for your own good'. I didn't know what this meant. I was beginning to think he didn't love me any more :(

As I couldn't go outside, and kept walking into things with my head-thing on, I got very sad and decided to just lie down.
The next day was very much the same, so I got even sadder. I couldn't understand why daddy wouldn't let me out to play. He tried to get me to chase pens, as sometimes they look like skinny mice to me, but I wasn't in the mood.

Then, the next day, after a quick breakfast of rabbit in gravy, daddy suddenly opened the door for me. I was confused at first, so I flicked my tail from side to side. Then I was so happy I ran off to the bottom of the garden, then stopped suddenly and cleaned my paw.

I've been so busy catching up on lost time, outside, that I haven't put my new adventures on here properly. However, excitingly, I have started my very own catty-Twitter profile (@BruceMiaow) and Facebook profile (Bruce Miaow) where I quickly type what I've been up to.

I will have adventures to tell of tomorrow, but for now I have some sunbathing to do. I was covered up yesterday, can you see my white bits?

Sunday, 2 September 2012

Ouch :-(

Bad catty-times :-(

So, there I was, out on the prowl last night, when I came across a catty-friend.
I thought it was a nice catty-friend, so pawed his head. Then I pawed his head again.
And again. I licked my leg, then got bored. I pawed his head again. Then again.

I couldn't believe it when he swatted me! Then, when I went to run away, he bit me on the back leg, ow! :-(
I was very upset, and my leg really hurt, so decided to run-limp back to daddy.

I couldn't find daddy when I got home so, despite my poorly leg, I decided to hop up to his very high bed. Then I hopped down again and started crying lots, as I was in so much pain, until daddy came and found me on the floor.
I needed to show him that I couldn't put my back paw down, so I got up and leapt back onto the high bed again, then cried a bit more.

Daddy looked very concerned. I saw him put something to his ear and talk to it. I heard him make a noise that sounded like "a hundred and forty pounds just for the emergency consultation??... I don't know if I'm covered'.
Daddy still looked concerned, and I cried a bit more. Then he made another noise, which sounded like 'oh fuck it!'

He picked me up, even though I was getting comfy, and started lowering me into a big grey plastic box thing, backwards. I've been in one of these things before, and nothing good ever happens when I go in, so I squirmed, jumped over daddy's hand, and ran away.
He made a sound 'for fuck's sake!' and chased me round the house.
He picked me up and put me into the plastic box with a bit more force this time, so I didn't run away.

Next thing I know I'm at the catty-doctor's. I don't like these places so I got sweaty paws. The catty-nurse told daddy I was 'very handsome'. She was quite pretty so I nosed her hand a bit. Then I realised I don't have balls any more, and I'm a cat.
My leg started hurting again so I let out a big catty-cry. Daddy and catty-nurse looked worried.

After that, the catty-nurse took me away from daddy, into another room with lots of big white machines. I was sad to leave daddy, and the machines scared me, so I cried again.
Then a catty-doctor put something cold up my catty-bottom and said I was 'normal'.
They put something sharp in one of my front legs and the last thing I remember is hearing daddy say 'four hundred and fifty quid?!'. Then it was morning.

By the time I saw daddy again I'd been put back into the plastic box. For some reason the catty-doctor put a big round thing around my head. I can't see left or right now. I don't understand...

When I got home I walked into a wall. Then I walked into a door. Then I walked into a table. I hope this weird thing comes off of my head soon.

Below is a picture of my poorly leg, and me looking sad in my weird round head-thingy :-(